School year 2022 to 2023 Revelations

 My child has provided their new name to us.  I was using it on occasion but had not accepted it yet.  We had a name closer to their 'Dead name' (The name they were born with) that we had been using.

The other day my child confronted me in a meek and cautious way, requesting that I now use the name and now my child goes by He/Him, confirming for sure that we have moved from non-binary to Trans.

Now the difference is not much, it should be easy to call my child he/him and use the new name.  It was not overnight that my child asked me to do so.

It just hurts.  

My partner and I picked out that name with intention and with love.  It opened a whole gamut of worries we had tried to avoid until now as well.

When will surgery be the next topic? What are the expectations moving forward?

For my child, he has been moving slow for us old folks.  

For us, it is the speed of a bullet, snuffing out hopes and dreams.

Please note, if a child is willing to tell their parents that they are non-binary or Trans, they have thought this through. It is not something they are doing to get attention or because it seems cool.

They are opening themselves to scrutiny and to bullying that would not exist if they were binary, or sis.

My child told me that if they could be what the general population believes to be "normal" then they would be happy to be that way.  

My child feels like a boy inside.  I don't get it, but I love my child. I hope one day I will get it more so I will continue to work towards that understanding.

What I do know:

Since my child has stated that they were non-binary, and later trans, he has been more confident in many aspects of life.  Before he would shrink around the presence of almost anyone.  Now, at least to friends and safe people, he is more comfortable.

However, now he is much more aware of anyone who does not use the correct pronouns.  He is more crestfallen if someone he trusts cannot believe enough in his own knowledge of self to trust that he is trans. 

So once again, I am struggling.  I feel like I am a salmon swimming up stream, trying to avoid the bear, the eagle and the pure exhaustion.  I can't imagine how hard it was to confront me and ask me to call him by his requested name, I can't imagine what he is going through. 


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